"Being fat is what happens when one does nothing. Being skinny is what happens when one puts in effort" ~ Me

(This is at least true for people like me - fat through no reason other than bad eating)

I'm sure I've mentioned it before ... I think I'm fat for psychological reasons. It's not a habit of over-eating. It's not a physical craving for junk. I actively choose it. I'm not compelled in any way, to over-eat, to choose bad food, or anything. I have no physical desire for anything that's rubbish - eg. although I drink coffee, I could function perfectly well without it. I could also function perfectly well without chocolate and almost any other thing you can think of that people have as food-crutches.

So, it's a choice. It's actually quite a conscious choice. I think sometimes if it were unconscious, it would be easier to deal with.

So why do I choose it?

This is so complicated.

My current theory (which I may or may not have mentioned before, I'm often repeating myself) is that I have this silly belief that there are less expectations of a fat person. So if I'm fat, people won't hold me up to a particularly high standard and therefore failure isn't a huge issue.

Keeping oneself down to avoid failure is depressing. I don't want to do that.

Then I wonder, maybe I'm keeping myself down so I don't outshine my friends and make them feel inferior.

I've been actively trying to work around these behaviours and it seems to be working, but it's not showing in my weight. I'm still fat, and I'm staying that way. But why? I don't want to be huge. I don't want to been seen as an incompetent slob. I don't want to be seen as lazy.

I do like that when I'm at the gym, others in the classes are impressed by my efforts because I'm usually up to the same dumbbells as the others in the class (or heavier). I like being able to impress people just by the way I look. The other side of the coin could be that my performance at the gym can motivate others ... "if the fat girl can lift that weight, I should be able to"... which again, is holding yourself back for others.

Questions

 From Craigharper.com.au

A Question of Change
If you’re serious about changing your body, and more importantly, keeping it that way, below you’ll find some relevant, valuable and potentially-transformational questions. They are the type of questions that I ask anyone who comes to me for coaching in this area. Keep in mind that transformation lives in the doing, not just the knowing, so if you’re in need of a physical overhaul, or maybe just a few minor modifications , take some time to answer the following thoughtfully and courageously.

• What do you want your body to look, feel and function like one year from today (be specific)?
• What do you need to do practically, to make your goal a reality?
• What happens once your motivation subsides (it will)?
• What happened last time you tried to change your body?
• Why and how will it be different this time (if nothing changes, nothing changes)?
• What’s your optimal exercise strategy (based on your genetics, age, goals, fitness, injuries, etc.)?
• What’s one simple thing (that will make a difference) that you can change today?
• What happened over the last 365 days (with your body)? Why?
• Are you genuinely prepared to do the work (and to keep doing it), or do you just like ‘the idea’ of a different body?
• Do you need to change your relationship with food? If so, how?
• Do you have an accountability system? If so, what is it?
• When it comes to the practical change-your-body variables (food, lifestyle, exercise, time management), what are your ‘non-negotiables’?

As I’ve said many times before on this site, when we ask better questions and we’re genuinely committed to change, we make better decisions, do better things, produce better results and our reality shifts.


Statistically, we know that, despite their conversations, declarations and intentions, most people won’t improve their health or fitness over the next year. Some will, most won’t. Of course, they can change and they want to change, but sadly, they won’t. Like the majority of our ever-expanding population, some will continue to get on and off the weight-loss merry-go-round, all the while complaining about their genetics, the weather, their sore ankle, their limited time and their exhausting schedule.


And then they’ll wake up and it will be July 2013.

So let's see...

• I want my body to look presentable in all situations, feel tighter (not like I have width), and function so that it does everything I ask of it (which thankfully it does at the moment)
• I need to eat better
• I find ways to justify going off-track
• I felt very optimistic about the track I was on when I was on it, when I was aiming for my goal. Negatives though: I felt self-conscious about people noticing the change. To me, that's kind of like pointing out how bad I look, rather than a compliment
• Hmmmm
• Weight lifting... sadly my current gym is not so well set up for weight lifting. They do cardio and resistance, but not actual weights. And I don't often get pushed to lift/move heavier...
• Today? Go to bed at a reasonable hour
• I gained over 10kgs back, that took me 6 months to lose. Why? Because I aimed to be presentable by my birthday and I achieved that
• I'm worried I think I just like 'the idea'
• Yes I think I do. I have learned I don't really like to eat full meals. I like to graze throughout the day, which lends itself best to junk food. If I don't graze, I skip meals. That means I starve and then eat whatever is around and justify it mentally by being starving
• No I don't. Should I have and accountability system??
• My not negotiables... no weighing of food. Maybe every once in a while, but not long term

As I went to open this screen to write a new post, the cats went into overdrive about the noises they can hear. Apparently there's something outside they don't like the sound of. Anyway...

I weighed in on Wednesday and the scales read 91.2kgs, so that's an improvement on last week.

I was hoping losing 10kgs in 10days was possible, but it's not lol. Not without harming my body in the process anyway. So, at this weight, I am going on a personal shopping trip on Monday to buy some new outfits. I don't want to buy too much in case they don't fit in 6months time, but I'm looking forward to the trip all the same. Who knows, maybe we'll only go to shops that stock smaller sizes and there wont be anything for me. It'll make me feel like crap but my bank balance will say "Thank You!"

I'm still living busy, and will be until the end of the year when my course is finished. I'm completely determined to get this thing done. I have to! No more dropping out because I can't be bothered anymore.
Had a Mexican-bowl for breakfast this morning (cooked beef with onion and burrito spices, then in the bowl top with salsa, cheese and sour cream). I always seem to lose weight eating that.

Had curried eggs for dinner last night (mashed boiled eggs with the lowest carb mayo I could find and some curry powder). Had about 3-4 eggs worth of the mixture. That was more than enough. Can anyone say 'cheap' AND 'healthy'? :)

Still kicking

Well I'm still here, still kicking. I've spent the last two months undoing a bunch of my good work, but I'm here to undo the undoing ;)

I came in at 92.7kgs this morning.

Today I've been eating ok, the cravings are HUGE though. And you know the worst thing about them? I'm having such a hard time telling the difference between carb cravings and genuine hunger. Life update - I enrolled in a double diploma so got a bit on my plate with that, meeting with builders to get my house built, and I also got the VPE role with Toastmasters. So I'm busy as!!

Also, I have no money, so I've challenged myself not to spend any money this month. It's not working very well - in the day two days I've got the water bill, I apparently need four new tyres (had a flat) and engineering for the house I'm trying to build. It sucks. I've cancelled my grooming appointments (spray tans, etc) and am beating myself up that I didn't give myself this challenge earlier.

Readiness for Change

"I always talk about readiness for change. People commit to change for different reasons, I'm talking about four stages of readiness. But somebody who is really ready for change when they're at Stage 1. And that Stage 1 is when they are so sick to death of what is plaguing them that they wont put up with it for one more second of one more minute of one more hour of one more day. They are so sick of it that no matter how scary it looks on the other side, screw that, I am through with this. I cannot and will not put up with this another day in my life. And when you claim that position, that's when you change. Is this that moment for you?" ~ Dr Phil

Great weekend!

Well my birthday went off fantastic on Saturday. I could have made just one improvement, and that would be not to have a stupid red eye develop in the morning of and last until the following morning :(

... the only thing I can't fix, is a red eye (that's not caused by being dry, so drops don't help)...

But other than that, a fantastic night. I thought I looked pretty spesh and I got compliments all night. I bought myself a pair of jeans and a night grey print top with dimontes. I felt great.

I also bought myself the best cake I could find myself. One of my presents to myself is buying a cake that I really like, I'm sick of average cakes. How many average-tasting cakes do we eat just because? So I splashed out... way over $100 ... eek!

So the update since my big day is that I've lost a bit of drive to lose weight. I mean it's still there, but I've found I'm having a few junk food days. I will be having a family birthday celebration (last weekend was for friends only) this Sunday and I've found that I am eating junk food until that time. Not sure why, just am.

In analysing myself, I'm thinking it might be that I don't want to be too slim at the family gathering or it'll just attract too many unwanted comments. So that's my best guess at the moment. It's also TOM and the cravings are strong (though I'm pretty good at resisting cravings). I've had the sads recently too. I'm sad about my birthday (although very excited about the celebrations) and a whole bunch of other stupid stuff in my life.

I'm keeping strong in my mind that I have to get back on track solidly quick smart. There are health implications, there is the work it'll take to get the weight back off, and most of all the peer-pressure aspect - the fact that people will be able to notice the weight gain after a while and I don't want people to see that.

I weighed in at 86.2kgs this morning (roughly 3kg gain in three days. Ha!)

Celebrations are upon us

So my birthday party is only a few days later, and I want to look the best I possibly can.

I'm going clothes shopping tomorrow for a new outfit, after getting my eyelashes and eyebrows tinted. Also on Saturday I will start the day with eyelash extensions, then eyebrow wax (not enough time tomorrow), then getting my makeup professionally done and finally getting my hair coloured and styled. I'm going to look fabulous! The pic of Jessica Alba is the hair I'll be going for.

I'm looking forward to it!! Yay!!!!!

Current weight this morning is 83.5kgs.