Friday, August 31, 2012

Will it ever end?

Still going... trying to find that "magic bullet".

What about this for an affirmation - "I only eat food when I'm hungry". "I enjoy the effort of cooking weight loss meals".

I have tried affirmations of enjoying cooking food in general, but it hasn't helped with the weight loss things at all. These might be more successful? Time will tell.

Friday, August 10, 2012

"Being fat is what happens when one does nothing. Being skinny is what happens when one puts in effort" ~ Me

(This is at least true for people like me - fat through no reason other than bad eating)

I'm sure I've mentioned it before ... I think I'm fat for psychological reasons. It's not a habit of over-eating. It's not a physical craving for junk. I actively choose it. I'm not compelled in any way, to over-eat, to choose bad food, or anything. I have no physical desire for anything that's rubbish - eg. although I drink coffee, I could function perfectly well without it. I could also function perfectly well without chocolate and almost any other thing you can think of that people have as food-crutches.

So, it's a choice. It's actually quite a conscious choice. I think sometimes if it were unconscious, it would be easier to deal with.

So why do I choose it?

This is so complicated.

My current theory (which I may or may not have mentioned before, I'm often repeating myself) is that I have this silly belief that there are less expectations of a fat person. So if I'm fat, people won't hold me up to a particularly high standard and therefore failure isn't a huge issue.

Keeping oneself down to avoid failure is depressing. I don't want to do that.

Then I wonder, maybe I'm keeping myself down so I don't outshine my friends and make them feel inferior.

I've been actively trying to work around these behaviours and it seems to be working, but it's not showing in my weight. I'm still fat, and I'm staying that way. But why? I don't want to be huge. I don't want to been seen as an incompetent slob. I don't want to be seen as lazy.

I do like that when I'm at the gym, others in the classes are impressed by my efforts because I'm usually up to the same dumbbells as the others in the class (or heavier). I like being able to impress people just by the way I look. The other side of the coin could be that my performance at the gym can motivate others ... "if the fat girl can lift that weight, I should be able to"... which again, is holding yourself back for others.