Disheartened

Well I'm disheartened today.


I did something I shouldn't have, I'll admit. I weighed in this morning. It's not weigh in day, it's only 4 days after last weigh in. But I did it all the same. So, I weighed in at 98.5kgs. That's no change whatsoever. I would have liked at least 200g or so.


And now, even though I'm writing this in the morning (8.53am to be exact), I'm having all sorts of cravings. I haven't had my protein drink for brekky yet.


I'm thinking it's the milk in my tea - I use my tea sweetened with stevia as my cravings buster. But maybe it's just keeping me fat.

I've been dreaming quite heavily lately about how I will feel at a lower weight. Trying to get over the anxiety I felt last time I lost a lot of weight, so that it can stick this time. And for what, so I don't ever get there? Depressing...


I'm already anxious about speaking tonight, tomorrow and then doing a full length public speech next Tuesday. I know it's a sword with two edges, and the other edge is a good one, but at the moment all I can feel is the bad edge. Which sword is that? The one where I stand out to people.

I like standing out sometimes, because I usually get heard and people ask my opinions (of which I have many) but the other side is that I can't blend in if I try. I'm often getting thrust into situations where I feel quite out of my depth, simply because people think I'm capable. Which is good for my life, but bad for my nerves.


My theory on weight gain is that I somehow got the idea that if I got fat, that I would miraculously blend into the background or people would stop counting on me for stuff. Well that didn't work. It's probably a combination of me still standing out for some absurd reason I can't control, and the fact I am now used to having my say so I just get it on in there.

I think it's more the first point though. Because even when I am sitting several rows back in a crowd, I am still picked out by people to say something. Even if I avoid eye contact, wear black and I'm not saying a word.


As I said, I recognise this is a two-edged sword. But my nerves right now are shot. Tonight after work I have to go and either give Evaluations of speeches, or instruct newbies on how to do this. I've never done one before in my life! But people assume I have! Something about me.

Anyway, onto business...

Exercise:
None

Today I ate:
Protein drink
Fish, fennel and bacon pie with cauliflower mash on top